Over the past couple of months, life has been going well. I wasn’t fighting with my mom, I was up to date on blog posts and videos, I was seeing my boyfriend regularly (even though he lived an hour away) and so on. Life was GOOD.
And then everything fell apart
Juggling the work-life-romance balance for me wasn’t a problem – because everything was in their own little box and nothing overlapped. Last week however, everything toppled over and fell into one big box that I am currently picking and working through. Basically, everything in my life is a huge mess right now.
It started during fashion week. I was asleep on the second day when I got a phone call from my boyfriend’s sister – Tunde had fallen down and broken his ankle. I was immediately concerned and started looking for a way to get to Ajah (even though I didn’t have my car). I realised I couldn’t make it that day so I arranged to go visit him the next morning before I had to dress up and look pretty for Day 3 of LFDW. Even though he understood why I couldn’t make it that day and assured me that everything was fine, I still felt guilty. I felt so guilty as I sat in my car later that day and contemplated whether I should go to Ajah to see him or fashion week. I ended up going for fashion week but the feeling of guilt never left me. ‘Is this what it felt to put work over love?’ I thought. I didn’t like the feeling and vowed to figure out my life a bit better but little did I know that life was coming to serve me more of that guilt in the coming week.
My uncle died last week (or two weeks ago, I can’t really remember). I was devastated even though I had only met this uncle of mine twice in my entire life. My mom needed the car to go see her family and start sorting out funeral arrangements but I also needed the car for work events and to go visit Tunde as he was laid up at home with a broken ankle. This caused a strain between me and my mom and we are currently in a mini fight now because I went for my friend’s birthday party (which was in my plan for weeks) instead of allowing her to use the car to go visit my aunt. I knew if I didn’t go for the party, it would cause a strain in our friendship – a strain that was already starting because of my lack of visits, phone calls and doing the things friends are supposed to do. I was already getting worried about how I haven’t been seeing my friends a lot because of work and spending more time with Tunde. The guilt returned and I spent the last few days in bed crying and wondering – Where the fuck did this go all wrong?
I used to think figuring out the work-life-romance balance would be doable to an extent but the last few weeks opened my eyes and showed me it was basically impossible. All it takes is a little push here and there, and the balance you thought was holding up well topples over. So what do you do in those cases? How do you pick up the pieces and figure it all out?
I take everything a bit at a time – little by little, giving myself time to sort through everything. I used to force myself to have everything figured out (or somethings figured out) but now I know that I may never figure everything out – and that it’s okay. Putting that pressure on myself only leads to pain and frustration for me. Accepting that I am only human and that I am not perfect has gone a long way to helping me figure out my life and the situations I find myself in.
I pray. A little prayer here and there, said in weird moments. I pray for peace when I come home from events because I know my mother may be upset with me. I pray before an event to hope it goes well and I get the information and the right connections out of it. There are little prayers; two/three sentences said quickly under my breath. It gives me hope, peace and a sense of focus.
How do you deal when it seems like your world is falling apart? How do you figure out your work-life-romance balance? I would love for you to share in the comments below.